RESOURCES

Approaches for Being Perceived as a “Good Listener”

Research often finds that being a “good listener” is one of the most important attributes in successfully working with others or in managing people.

Preparation: when approached for a conversation or when approaching another person

Before beginning to converse, take three deep breathes.
End multitasking.
Ask yourself if you are available for a conversation; if answer is “no,” tell other person, and offer an alternative time.

Determine the goals for the conversation

Don’t assume you know the goals of the other party.
Ask open ended question to determine their goal(s).
Communicate to them your goal(s).
If appropriate, agree on a time period for the conversation.

During the conversation

If possible or appropriate: sit comfortably in front of the other person.
Make eye contact.
Keep sentences short and to the point.
Answer questions with short, definitive answers.
Stay away from big picture comments or rationales (unless asked for).
Use to draw out the other person.
Use to share back what you hear the other person is saying.
Keep sentences short and to the point.
Say less than more.
Use silence, while nodding and making eye contact, to convey you are “present” and are listening.
Don’t rush to answer questions, especially if the questions have an edge to them.
When asked very hard or critical questions: Before answering, be sure to pause and take a deep breath or two.
Then, when actually answering a tough question, be as specific and short in your answer as possible. Avoid being a cheerleader or pointing to recent related successes. Don’t try to bring someone out of a funky mood or outlook. That’s their job and responsibility.
If the other person is name calling or “objectifying” you by trying to put you into a negative box or category, don’t take the bait and reply directly. Instead, ask what “issue” you can currently address.
If name calling persists: tell the other that you are sorry they feel that way, and you open to continuing the conversation later when/if the name calling declines. If needed, leave the room, etc. (When things are calm between you and a person who name calls, give them a heads up that such an approach does not work for you, and should name calling happen in the future, you’ll need to stop the conversation at that point, and return to it when things are calmer).
Remember: You or anyone else can do only so much in a conversation to be perceived as a “good listener.”

If you were to implement, in good faith, the majority of the ideas in this note, and then refine them further over time, then you’d be doing just about all anyone could do to be perceived as a good listener.